Thanksgiving Nov 24 - 28th, 2005

 

My neice and little princess - i feel so much joy, pride and love when i look @ her, Leiha'aheo'okalani Tayhanie - i used to be so afraid i'd die before ever having the chance to know her- i love her to pieces - always Aunty Marilyn
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My Mom and stepdad @ his work Christmas party
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Palmerston North, New Zealand - Left to right: my cousin Craig, and his brother my cousin Jamie, me and behind me on the bike my brother Hayden.
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My Mom holding me in Wellington, New Zealand
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how about that i made a collage *smiles
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Wishing on a Star
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Feels Wonderful Today...

Yesterday i had a follow up appointment with my surgeon, Doctor Dellinger. He's chief of surgery at the University of Washington Medical Center and the surgeon who performed my gastric bypass roux-en-y open surgery on January 24 2003. Doctor Dellinger is a very good doctor. His bedside manner is excellent and how he treats his patients is wonderful. i always feel "okay" when i'm around him i don't feel bad. i always get worried about seeing him especially if i've gained weight. But he has never gotten upset or disappointed with me, something i'm so used to seeing in faces and knowing inside myself. But *smiles... Like the song i'm listening too says "it's all bout you, it's not about me" i know inside of myself i need to work on my issues for myself not for anyone else. Yesterday Doctor Dellinger told me "This is not going to be an easy journey, it's not going to happen over night. You have had the surgery and have come along way from when i first met you. Now you have some decisions to make. Decisions that no one else can make for you.I know you can do this. You are very intelligent, young and determined." i always leave Doctor Dellingers office feeling wonderful about myself. Yesterday was a first for me too in such a long long time. i made arrangements for transportation to my appointment. My Mom has always made my stepdad take time off from work to take me to my appointments. But he's in Maryland for 3 weeks on business and doesn't come back home till Friday. i had a nice driver, i can't remember his name, but we had some nice conversations. His wife is a dispatcher. i laughed when he said that job fits her perfectly because she is always telling him what to do anyway" *giggles and winks - He said to me "you know how that is" i just laughed.

This morning i received a nice phone call from my counselor. She wanted to follow up with me and to see how i'm doing. She was very pleased that i kept my appointment. And told me that i need to stop thinking so much about things and just do it. She feels i have the cognitive side of things down and told me her job is to work on my behavior. Which i told her is something i've felt i needed to do too.

Over all this day is starting out good.

Surgeon's followup appointment...

Ever since i had gastric bypass roux-en-y open surgery and was released from the University of Washington Medical Center in Seattle Washington March 10 2003 i have had 3 month follow up appointments up until just last March 2004 i had not been doing so bad i was on the losing streak. My weight before surgery was 750lbs. Before surgery I got down to 665lbs. Right after surgery i was told my body swelled up with fluid making me way well over 800lbs. I don't recall anything after my surgery until Valentines Day February 14 2003 i'd say would have to be my first real conscious day awake. i did manage to get down to 465lbs but every appointment since March 2004 i have gained weight steadily back.... At my last appointment with my surgeon i practically begged him to please put me back in the hospital. Cause i feel like i can't function unless in a controlled environment. i feel so hopeless and out of control. Anyway willhave to finish this when i return. Be Well A/all.

my only other tattoo an ~M~ on my left hand... wanted so i could always remember the difference between left and right *laughing my ass off @ myself i'm so silly *sticks out my tounge
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Do ya believe me now??? told yas i had "Stuck on Stupid" tattoed on my back, its on my back right shoulder - now i want some more but real ones not my silly ones*sticks out tounge and laughs my ass off
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A collage of pictures of me. from top left corner me with Bree she worked @ Life Care Center dealing with supplies but helped me out a lot and became a very dear friend of mine. I do believe this pic was taken pre op, the next picture was taken in summer of 1996 in the lobby of Towers Hall @ Boise State University with my room mate an exchange student from China, again a pre op picture with Bree she's so sweet i spent from July 2002 till January 16th 2003 @ Life Care Center of Auburn in WA state, the next picture is one of the ones I took when i came home as Y/you can see i came home in a wheel chair @ this time i could stand but not yet walk without assistance of a walker, the next picture is one of my rare visits outside in the sun post op and i am in a special reclining wheelchair - i had a habit of scaring half the staff to death because i'd pass out for 15 - 20 mins @ a time, the next picture is a black and white picture of me taken in 99 or 2000 i believe, back at Life Care Center after a hospital stay from January 16 2003 til March 10 2003 - i had extensive physical therapy daily i stayed @ Life Care Center till September 27 2003, me @ home in my bedroom that my stepdad had buil especially for me i want ed to take a pic standing, me and Tina - Tina's a nurses aide and one of my favorites before i had my surgery on a visit home Tina came over bleached my hair blonde then dyed it purple i was excited Mom however was not... oh well it was something i really wanted to do, on a supervised walk @ Life Care Center with physical therapist and occupational therapist pushing my wheelchair behind us and my Mom off to the side there, Room 204 i reckon had the best view i could always spot the paramedics when they arrived what a pleasant sight *smiles oh and another pic of me standing up this is how i got around at Life Care Center when i was allowed to ihated being in my wheel chair because i couldn't move it myself, the last picture is with Lisa she was my favorite physical therapist and worked really hard with me. i was so spoilt by A/all the staff @ Life Care Center of Auburn.
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This picture minus the beautiful hair resembles what i look like. I'm not societies ideal of a normal person. Living as a morbid obese person has been really hard on me. Not so much because of other people but because i can't stand this person. it frustrates me to no end, i don't know why i can't be a normal person. I wonder if I'd be any happier being a normal person. What's my idea of normal you ask? My idea of normal is all the attractive people that are slim, healthy, have jobs, are married, dating, have kids they are those who have lives. Basically bout everyone I know.
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Sadness Within Me

I've been so preoccupied I didn't even realize I've reached my 2 yr anniversary. The last time i lost weight was last year. I lost 17lbs and was so proud of myself. But i've been gaining weight back steadily and it's damn scary.

I'm so afraid for myself. In November i weighed 513lbs and i have an appointment with my surgeon on Monday and am afraid of what my weight is now. I can't do this on my own.

I'm trying to work on it again one day at a time. I quit smoking almost 3 weeks ago now doing pretty good not craving a cigarette. Today i started back at the gym. Just gonna do it one day at a time one problem at a time the best way i know how.

I wish there were others i could relate too. i'm told i've lost a lot of weight. And i know i have it's just it isn't the same as seeing someone else go and have the surgery and coming out with the dreams i only have of looking half as good. I still have a ton of weight I'd like to lose like another 350lbs.

I've even gone to the point of asking my surgeon to please hospitalize me. I feel like I can only be successful in a controlled environment. Without that i feel so hopeless. Lately i've even been toying with the idea of having the procedure done again. I'd be willing to go through all I went through again just to be normal. Even if that risk included death. I have nothing to lose.

Inside my lonely heart weeps

this is another "bloo bracelet" *laughs i know the detail in the picture doesn't do it much justice but it's really pretty. there's lil flower beads,irradescent beads with half moon n stars, a little sun charm that says "made with a smile," and the silver toggles on it hve little hearts. this bracelet measure 7.5 inches.
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this is a double strand bracelet one of my favorites i like to twist it. it's 7 inches in length and i think it looks really pretty.
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It's Friday Baby

More Memories

i'm still doing a lot of reading online but i'm anxious for someone to start teaching me. i'm so excited because i actually do want to learn. i know i have so much to learn. i also want to learn how to write with so much feeling that Y/you feel like Y/you're actually there. i have seen some beautifully well worded and thought out actions described in full detail. it's so moving to see. *smiles it's like living some fantasy out of a Harlequin romance novel *winks
on Wednesday night i was supposed to participate in a study group but it did not happen. Lord Alloces was not well. i was worried because i took a nap and when i woke up it was after 8pm. i thought i was late. When i spoke to ammie she told me Lord Alloces was not feeling very well. i hope i can acquire some patience while i'm learning. *laughs i feel like one of those bouncy jumping beans just rearing to go.

ooooh the other night while playing music in dungeons 2 i had a request for "Nights in White Satin" by the Moody Blues. i didn't realize i had heard it before until i downloaded it from bearshare and omg i have fallen in love with this song.... *giggles this song is so dramatic and theatrically performed i understand why people love it so. and oh i have heard it before. it's the same thing for me with many songs i know a lot of them once i hear them. i might not remember the name of the song or who performs it but once i hear it and recognize it i'm all smiles. it's funny how music does that to me. i don't just find myself paying attention to the beat and the music but the lyrics. the lyrics of a song always seem to hit a spot in my soul, heart and mind. and no matter what's going on at that point i just drift away with the song. my soul, heart and mind just take flight and leave...... *smiles it's such a wondrous feeling how music can make you feel.

when i was first hospitalized for a suicide attempt in 1993 at Castle Hospital *smiles and laughs at the irony at the hospital's name..... we did music therapy and music really made me feel good inside. laughing at the memory of my favorite songs back then to sing when we had music therapy.... "You Are My Sunshine" and "Yellow Bird"

i always thought about a friend of mine i met in the hospital when i'd hear or sing "You Are My Sunshine." Raylene Quinones her street name was "Sunshine" i liked her a lot she was funny always up to something. one time her and i got a pass to go to fill out papers to apply for assistance at the welfare office in Kaneohe. however Sunshine had other plans and me being me went along with her.

Sunshine had asthma and reminded me of my friend Megan. not just with that but her behavior. i admired those qualities in them and wished i was like that instead of shy and awkward.

instead of on a bus to Kaneohe we were on a bus heading to downtown Honolulu. when we got to bishop and hotel street we got off and i followed Sunshine downtown. this was my first experience downtown like this, Sunshine said we wouldn't be long she just wanted to get her stuff then we could go back.

i followed her around downtown Honolulu and if you know anything about downtown Honolulu, especially Hotel Street you know it's infamous for prostitutes and drugs. i learnt a lot about Sunshine in that short time with her but nothing she did changed my mind about her i still loved her.

we were walking along river street when she approached this elderly gentleman. she asked me to drop back a few so she could talk to him alone so i did. while we were still walking she kept on telling the gentleman to give me the money and he kept refusing. then they came across a building that was under construction and Sunshine had me wait outside for her while she and this gentleman went inside this building. in a few minutes she came running outside and told me "Come on let's get out of here!" we took off running and when she was sure we were ok we headed towards hotel street. i'm not sure what Sunshine did or didn't do to that gentleman she didn't say. and i never asked her.

when we got close to this bus stop on hotel street Sunshine told me to just sit down at the bus stop and wait for her there that she had to go talk to some people about her stuff we came to get. also she told me we wouldn't be here long cause someone was after her for 40 papers she was supposed to sell and that they wanted their money and if she didn't get it for them they were going to shoot her. Least to say i was scared. She had some friends at the bus stop look out for me.

it was quite an eye awakening experience for me. we had left Castle hospital early in the morning and i had sat outside this bus stop for hours and hours waiting for Sunshine. i became very afraid for her and her safety. i also learned the goings on at bus stop. couldn't believe the sheltered life i lived. i watched crystal meth "ice" being sold @ this bus stop for cash and for food stamps even. and i was even more surprised to know you could buy the "ice" pipes right there from the stores in Chinatown.

so around 4pm and still no sign of Sunshine i called the hospital up and told them where i was. They told me if i came back then i would not be discharged from the hospital as long as my drug tests came back clean. So you better believe i got on the next available bus and headed back to Castle Hospital. i was so relieved to be back where it was safe.

Sunshine came back too I don't remember when but she was discharged when her drug tests came back positive for "ice." i felt sad for her but the counselors told me she could take care of herself and that she was streetsmart unlike myself. but it didn't stop me from crying when she had to go and feel sad for her.

after i was released from the hospital other friends and i all went downtown looking for Sunshine. after several attempts of finding her, sometimes bringing her back so she could eat, get cleaned up and get some rest, she'd always wanna go back downtown., so we realized she didn't want any help from us.

sometime later Sunshine was arrested for solicitation and possession. i wrote several letters to her while she was in jail. She told me not to feel sad for her because at least she was safe in jail, had a place to sleep, food to eat, and a chance to get clean. She called jail her home away from the streets.

i often think about Sunshine and her 2 kids. She'd told me so many stories about her daughter then 5 and her son who she nicknamed "Akebono" after the sumo wrestler cause he was chunky occasion when she was in a hotel and had a party, the morning after her 5yr old daughter would wake up and throw rice on the floor laughing at all the tweekers, pissing many off cause they'd think it was "rocks" that's when Sunshine said her daughter would kick them out and when they looked at Sunshine like your gonna let her do that to us? Sunshine said you heard her "Get out!"

So yeah i still do think of Sunshine and her two kids. i hope she is well and not dead and i hope her 2 kids are happy where ever they are. Her lil girl has got to be 15 or 16 by now and her son 10 or 11. i do know that she had lost custody of her kids to Child Protective Services. so i do hope they are happy and well adjusted.

Sunshine you'll always be remembered in my heart. I wish you well Sista.

the matching bracelet is 8 inches in length and 1 inch wide
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this is my green choker it measures 14 inches in length and at it's widest point is 1.5 inches wide
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my "Bloo set" the choker top stretches too 15.75 inches and the bracelet easily 8 inches long, has an attached little heart charm. this idea of making collars came to mind with this picture and then with the input of a friend who mentioned highlander collars. those are so pretty, would make any slave or submissive feel like a queen wearing those collars *smiles i like the idea of making a collar about 2 inches wide and long enough to fit the slave or submissives neck comfortably. but from the center i would place a semi precious stone or charm of their choice. of course i could make something custom made from an idea you might have, just let me know... send email to peachesncream_ivory_girl@yahoo.com
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A New Day

i think i like this diary concept...

cause i'm actually using it *winks n laughs

actually i was thinking that all my work i did in yesterdays post didn't load up cause my pc was acting up again (it's always the pc's fault and never mine*laughs) and it wasn't showing my entry i was debationg back and forth with my self deciding whether to write that all out again. so glad i didn't.

i really like learning about BDSM. i actually think it could work for me. the things i am learning is just like wow feels so like me. i have spent a lot of time talking my poor friends ears off in chat - *wonders if any are thingking omg she's nuts... a number of memories of come throught to surface... ones i try to forget, but it seems no matter how hard i try to forget these memories it's almost impossible.

Yesterday i found a letter from my paternal Grandmother dated from 1998. I had written a letter to her and in that letter asked the question "why does my Dad hate me?" "what did i do that was so wrong?" She didn't answer my questons but told me "You must put the past behind you and move on with your life while you are still so young, don't let the past stop you from growing and moving on with your life." and then she told me she loved me. That was probably one of the last pieces of correspondence from my Grandmother. Shortly after i was informed she had passed. i felt sad that i wasn't able to see my grandparents before they passed on.

i remember them as a young child. my dad's younger sister Diana and i were close in age so we kind of grew up together.

They lived in Tawa, Wellington, New Zealand. A house on Willow Road i think. i loved my grandparents house it was a split level much like our hose we live in now. they had a stream running though their property and to get to the house you had this cross this foot bridge. i liked the bridge but at the same time i was terrified of falling into the stream. especially when it was raining. the water would rise pretty high. i used tot hink that the bridge would break and din't know whether to run over the bridge or to walk slowly over it. during the summer we'd go swimming in it .. nice way to cool off on a hot day.

my grandma always mad these exteravagant full course meals when we went to go visit. she always spent hours in the kitchen making some kind of roast dinner with all the trimmings including desert. my grandma spent her life taking care of her husband and raising 5 boys(including my Dad) and my Aunt Diana, she was the only girl and spoilt. My grandmother did all the cooking, cleaning, took care of the family and was the peace keeper. Downstairs was the basement. there was a door outside on the side of the house to get to the basement. it was so packed full of things and very dark. sometimes we'd play in there with Tessa. Tessa was their collie and she stayed in the basement. Just reading what i wrote and i can't help but wonder how much like my grandma i am?

Bloo's bracelet...*bats my eyes - smiles - Anyone who knows me knows what I mean*winks this bracelt measures 8 inches long
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"Mother of Pearl" chip bracelet... 7 inches long in length with silver flower toggles.
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"Mother of Pearl" chip earrings measure aproximately 1.5 inches in length and .75 inches in width
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Necklace "Grape Vine" with silver toggles
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Conversation

An example of what BDSM is not...

yes it's just my opinion

i believe from examples, i have been fortunate to witness online, that a BDSM relationship can be very loving and fulfilling relationship. based on respect for each other, mutual consent, honesty, trust, communication and for me, self awareness and growth. So last night when i was online a guy i know, not well just chatting online, sent me a text message. He calls me his fuck buddy, but he's one i actually haven't. so he asks me if i've fucked anyone lately? and i'm thinking... mmm nice way to say hello.... not! so i told him that i don't do that anymore that i'm doing something different with my life.... but here's how our conversation went last night:

EARL says:
BEEN FUCKED RECENTLY?
prteegrl says:
No I'm doing something different with my life
EARL says:
WHAT?
prteegrl says:
i'm learning about BDSM
EARL says:
you being the reciptant..../....sub....slave?
prteegrl says:
submissive
EARL says:
kool....i like a REAL Sub
EARL says:
you all healed up?
prteegrl says:
yes except for the dent and a hernia
EARL says:
WELL BE THANKFDULL YOU ARE CLOSER THAN YOU WERE
prteegrl says:
there's like a lot of scar tissue and a dip where't's healed
prteegrl .com says:
i am
EARL says:
understand
EARL says:
u lost more wieght
prteegrl says:
no
EARL says:
np
EARL says:
got a bf?
EARL says:
dom?
prteegrl says:
yeah it's called my pc
EARL says:
lmao
prteegrl says:
no too early for me to get a dom
prteegrl says:
i have a lot to learn
EARL says:
well u need a good man/dom to help you along
prteegrl says:
plus i'd like to know that person i choose to be my Master cares about me yes i know
EARL says:
true
prteegrl says:
just finding a nice one that i can talk to, trust, be honest with and have some feelings for me
prteegrl says:
oh and feel safe with
EARL says:
HI.....LOL
prteegrl says:
*smiles lol W/we don't even really know each other
prteegrl says:
EARL says:
you know in the lifestyle....most MASTERS have more than one s/s
prteegrl says:
yes but not all
EARL says:
say it
prteegrl says:
say what?
prteegrl says:
i'm getting sleepy
EARL says:
ok ....missed our chats....nite
prteegrl says:
what did you want to say?
EARL says:
i said it
prteegrl says:
ok well gn
EARL says:
GN
EARL says:
prteegrl says:
what's that?
EARL says:
HAND CUFFS
prteegrl says:
ohh for you?
EARL says:
no 4 you
prteegrl says:
you have handcuffs?
EARL says:
for those that deserve them
prteegrl says:
well leaves me out
EARL says:
why?
prteegrl says:
cause i don't deserve them
prteegrl says:
im good
EARL says:
if you are going to learn and serve you need them
prteegrl says:
you sure?
EARL says:
absolutely
prteegrl says:
lol
prteegrl says
so what have you been uo to?
EARL says:
work work and more work....lol
EARL says:
aand when not working here....jacking off and sleeping
prteegrl says:
least your busy
EARL says:
yeah
EARL says:
you?
prteegrl says:
so why haven't you fucked anyone recently? just doing my jewelry and chatting online n learning about BDSM
EARL says:
i did not say i had not fucked anyone...lol
prteegrl says:
lol
EARL says:
had several sluts
EARL says:
none satisying enough to keep
EARL says:
i do not want a lover i want serviced and respected
EARL says:
lover comes from that
prteegrl says:
do you think you'll ever find or you don't want one
EARL says:
yes i want but havent found one and not sure she is there
EARL says:
she has to be unconditionally obidient
EARL says:
totally s/s
prteegrl says:
r u looking for a slave?
EARL says:
willing to endure
EARL says:
yes and no
EARL says:
you know a woman that is looking for a gentle master?
prteegrl says:
*smiles i am but do you know where i can find one?
EARL says:
i am here
EARL says:
how young are you?
prteegrl says:
lol 30
EARL says:
nice
prteegrl says:
lol
EARL says:
willing to see your master with younger females?
EARL says:
i require lots of service
prteegrl says:
how young? and i want a one on one Master
EARL says:
ok
EARL says:
i like them all ages
EARL says:
if i have the right bitch....then that is all i will need
prteegrl says:
mmmwhy r u interested in me?
EARL says:
i have been
EARL says:
are you willing to totally submit
prteegrl says:
yes to the right one
EARL says:
no questions asked
EARL says:
endure all
EARL says:
?
EARL says:
do completely as told
prteegrl says:
endure what exactly?
EARL says:
physically and emotionally
prteegrl says:
what kind though
EARL says:
we are not talking the old fuck buddy routine here ...now
EARL says:
bindings ...clips....whipping
EARL says:
and more
EARL says:
verbal abuse
EARL says:
sexual compliance and submission
EARL says:
well?????
prteegrl says:
i'm not ready to mak a decision right now
EARL says:
not asking 4 one
EARL says:
but......... if you do then you do exactly what i want when i want you 2....not just talking sex
EARL says:
this is a lifestyle....a life comittment
EARL says:
no turning back
EARL says:
you will be reqistered and marked as mine
EARL says:
you probably do not know that requirement yet
prteegrl says:
if i make that choice

it was @ this point that i decided k i've wasted enough time listnening to this guy. he's obviously not what i would want for myself in a Master. in the back of my mind i have always been worried and concerned about ending up in an abusive relationship. and Earl's ideal of a BDSM relationship is not my ideal at all. i have a romanticized ideal of a BDSM relationship. i think it's beautiful to witness the online ceremonies. this morning i was moved by the emotions i felt i heard when bella submitted herself to become Saberdragon's slave. it really is wonderful to be apart of and witness events like that. i am contantly advised by friends to take my time in choosing my Master. to ask for what i want. to not settle for anything less. i have chosen to adhere to the advice given to me by these cherished and dear friends. *smiles big and dreams of someday meeting my own Prince Charming.....

Thank Y/you B/both from the bottom of my heart always - Y/you've always been there for me. i trust Y/you without doubt and i thank Y/you B/both for loving me for who i am, for my spirit, heart, mind and soul.... Y/you're my Guardian Angels and i feel so blessed to have you in my life. Will forever be in my heart Rick and Una, sis always, always muahhhhhhhh *smiles

My Guardian Angels

Do not wait for us, we are here...all ready.
Do not whisper your name, we know it well.
We have loved you forever, time will tell...
We are your Guardian Angels.

i know T/they have heard me say this many many times to T/them B/both but i really mean it. Y/your my two very special real live Guardian Angel's on here. in fact W/we were just discussing how W/we met this morning.... *smiles fondly at the memory... i was having some computer problems(lol what's new i'm always breaking my computer by doing something i shouldn't be) i think with msblast and mslaugh - nasty things that really had me pissed off and frustrated because i couldn't fix the problem and i couldn't stay on the computer long enough to do anything before my 60 second flash warning would popup and knock the stars out of my eyes. but You Sir, helped me from that day and You've ALWAYS ALWAYS been there for me even during times i wasn't aware of your presence *smiles but You always had a way of letting me know You were around. it really feels nice to know i'm being looked after and protected. i felt a feeling of safety and security never felt afraid of Y/you, either of Y/you. now that i've made this move in d2 and become part of the Iron Gate house forprotection and mentoring while in the room *sighs i'm happy but sad cause i'm afraid of losing the special closeness W/we had. i wanted this for myself not too hurt A/anyone that is the last thing on my mind to hurt the T/two people who have been and i hope continue to be a very important part of my life. Rick and una sis,i love you both with all my heart... i never want to disappoint either of Y/you.

This head of mine

i think....

about different things all the time almost constantly thinking thinking thinking to the point where i am actually mouthing and quietly verbalizing my thoughts out loud... does anyone else do this too?

let's see i'm going to try and put my thoughts in perspective in a timeline if i can.... from my earliest thoughts to my present day thoughts.

when i was a little girl i used to fantasize about living in a flat(british term for apartment) with my two best friends Megan & Kirsten. and we dreamed of being nurses and secretaries.... how so much has changed for A/all of us. Megan died July 18, 1986 in a fatal head on collision which also took her mother and left her little sister Justine, paralyzed and without legs from the waist down. i had a horrible time dealing with her death and really had no one to help me deal with the loss. i couldn't understand why such a loving God would take her and her Mom away from her father and sister. i didn't understand why she had to die. she had so much to live for. she was an excellent swimmer, did ballet, tap dancing, very pretty and very mucch popular in school with everyone. her parents were going to seperate but reconciled so they had gone away for a family trip up by New Plymouth and on the way back home Megan was snatched from my life suddenly and painfully. i had not gone to school that day i stayed home and was laying on my bed listening to the radio when i heard Megan and her family were in a terrible accident. only thing i didn't know was that she had died instantly and her mother enroute to the hospital. the broadcast story said she was in serious condition in a hospital, the long agonizing hours i sat at home hoping to hear more news about what happend was hard. i cried and cried hoping Megan was ok never not expecting to see her ever again. as soon as school was over and done with i could up other mutual friends to see if there wasn't possibly some mistake. that's when i was informed she wasn't hurt she had died. i had tried so hard to hold myself together on the phone but i couldn't i never felt so alone, and angry that she was gone....

the things i loved and admired about Megan was she had guts... she did things that i never thought of doing or could do.... silly things but things i remember... i had known Megan all my life in school from St. Mary's Primary School till her death when we were at St. Peter's College and Intermediate. and though sure as friends do we had our moments her loss hit me hard.

tuesday after i had heard the news i wanted to go to school because i didn't want to believe it. thinking to myself no this is a mistake refusing to believe. then i heard one of the boys running around saying she's dead your friend's dead *sighs in sadness i tried to stay strong not letting any emotion show what so ever telling myself "ur not going to cry". then in art class, a girl walks up to me and say i'm sorry your friend died..... and my eyes filled with tears and before i knew it tears were streaming down my face. our art instructor ok'd a group of girls to take me to the chapel to pray. they prayed but i could not utter a single prayer, i just felt so much anger and i walked out of the chapel and walked off the school grounds. stopped of at a business and called my mom to come get me that i didn't want to be in school anymore.... when she didn't i walked all the way home myself. school was never the same for me after that.

i'm gonna stop at this point because i'm feeling way too sad, crying way too much and feeling way too much alone.... i know i am loved by many and protected by many but i'm so lonely for physical love. i guess for the love of someone who can make me feel safe, protect me, love my heart with all of his... *sighs i'd be happy to serve him

Submissive Loving to me is a change in how i choose to live my life - a good thing to remember is i am submissive a gift not a doormat 

Today's thoughts, yesterdays fears & tomorrows worries

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Does today's FairyTale life leave a child questioning whether they are loved? they are safe? they can trust? Love and tell someone with all your heart how much you love them 

In the eyes of an angel, true beauty is not skin deep true beauty glows from within O/ones heart. It's time I opened my eyes and saw my own self worth .....*smiles

A Jumbled Up Mind.....

I have lived a constant battle with obesity ever since I can remember. I was always the fat kid and my dad's nickname for me was "chubs".

*Sighs...

Not every aspect of my life was so terrible unfortunately just the things that I think about on a recurring basis make me sad from within. Deeply sad. I feel like my soul is dying inside..... crying, weeping, screaming silent screams for help, wanting to get out to be free, free from sadness.

Funny thing is I believed.....wanted to believe that I was no longer this sad. I was sad before, before I had my gastric bypass surgery. Fact wise I understand I have come along way as far as my health goes but I still feel like a prisoner to my weight, body, size image. The whole thing disgusts me. I can't imagine anyone loving me, wanting to touch me or even finding me attractive, wanting to spend time with me to get to know me.

So I had to prove a theory to myself and I went through the phone party lines and people I only found online. The phone partylines.... my understanding of them came to be if your looking for sex, no strings attached, this was a place where anyone could get sex and sexual favors. I'd call late @ night while my stepdad was sleeping and my Mom was at work. Find a guy who was willing to come over and if he wanted let him do whatever he wanted me to do or wanted to do sexually to me. At first it felt wonderful just that knowing that I'm not so different than anyone else. (I'd had the perception in my head not just pertaining to sex but even to everyday things and activites that people don't think twice about... that because I was fat/obese I can't do that or I shouldn't do that or desire that because of how I looked. These same self perceptions almost killed me back in June 2002. And now I find myself still thinking like this. I know logically that my thoughts and beliefs are totally insane. There are lots of people in todays society that aren't societies perfect image of what we should be and they all have lives, families, jobs, etc.... ) After sex or the sexual favor performed they'd get dressed and leave. Leaving me empty inside and alone once again. This time thinking I'm no better than a cheap whore and/or slut. Every time I'd get lonely, I'd call talk to someone and invite them over.

This continued for some time I can't recall what these guys looked like and if they told me their names I can't recall that either. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the sex and being able to perform the sexual favors required of me to. When I came online and discovered the internet it was a whole new playground for me. I was beginning to feel like a nympho maniac. I never met with people that I talked to in the same chat rooms. I just couldn't see myself getting involved with someone I spoke to as a friend. That would be too personal for me not to mention the repercussions of something like that almost always going wrong adding to the chat drama. No Thanks.

It validated yet something else I could do that I'd always believed I couldn't. A lot like the time when I lived with my Aunt and when they weren't home to get inside I got the nerve to climb up a ladder to my rotted patio balcony on the second storey to get inside. The first time I did that, the thrill inside me and happiness that I felt when I realized ... "Hey I can do this..... Cool!" was unforgettable. I will never forget that I can do that. *Smiles I looked forward to the times when I was home alone so I could climb up to my bedroom patio to get inside.

A small victory for me. I could use more small victories to prove to myself what I am capable of.

A special thanks to all the special people out there who've shared their amazing gift of friendship and love with me. Your gift is close inside my heart always reminding me that there are people who care. *Smiles